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Pontificating like Ponting

I'm stuck right now.....
But before I continue, let me clarify, people usually think I'm a grass-is-greener person, because I become quite vociferous when things are brimming away at my psyche. I recall the times when I have felt like this before. Some may say (that sunshine follows thunder...) that I've been feeling this since 2001, but that was different, that was like a bit of a feeling, this is a proper feeling. Each time it happens, I put my head down and build a new phase of my life in one way or another.

I'm stuck with regards to my career. We were talking at lunch today about some of the senior positions on our project, and how old the people are who hold them. It was suddenly very scary to learn that at 38/39/44 these people were doing what they were doing, in the same environment as me.

I'm a down-to-earth guy, and I don't expect everyone to be a superstar (I'm certainly not), but there is a difference between those who do what they can to aim a little higher, and those who don't. There is no way on earth that the people we were talking about were not ambitious - no siree, they could outambition me with a graceful fart (pardon the french). But the shocking truth was that I wasn't sure I wanted to be doing what they were doing when I am 44 (god allowing).

I don't know about everyone who reads this little here rambling blog I post out almost daily, but I'm sure I'm not alone with this fear. What the heck am I going to be doing at 44? If I don't take some sort of initiative and ownership of my life again (I have done so in the past) I will end up drifting to where I am pushed by circumstance and at 44 I might sit there and suddenly crack!

So its down to this question for me. What is my ambition? Its very clear to me my ambition is currently radically different to my peers where I work. They would have one such as 'to make a senior position in the next x years and deliver x revenue etc.' If you asked me what mine is, it is 'to deliver very large and complicated systems that work and can run without inordinately large hands-on involvement'. Notice the difference? Some might say I'm not seeing the bigger picture. The truth is, I do - but my ambition is tied to what I am doing and relates to the effectiveness of my delivery, not my career.

Do I need to evolve a new career ambition? Sure as heck I do. I've been harping on to Icy about a 5-3-1 plan that I made many years ago, and how it came to pass, and how I should really do it again. But the problem is, I can't pluck an imagined role out of my head yet. I used to dream of being a CEO, running a bloody fantastic company that people loved to work at, that made enough profit to just keep going and not worry about folding, but wasn't concentrated solely on profit - concentrated instead on providing a great service to customers and a great place to work for employees. You know, the kind of place we all want to work for! But I don't know if I am a good CEO person. I shun project management (though more qualified that most project managers), and I hate selling (rather sell a short and feeble truth than a large lie). So I'm stuck.

I might need to consult my fellow London T.I.C. folk, from my previous place, a very fine group of minds and hearts indeed. But most importantly, I may have to reach out further, and ask friends and strangers just what I should be doing. Because for once in my life, I don't have a dream. :-(
Today's post was sponsored by Take Yourself To The Top home of the 5-3-1 career plan


  1. Blogger Bee says @ 2:59 pm
    Like I said, Num Nums, the whole lot of us ought to form a collective.

    For what purpose, I don't know. But maybe if we all gathered together in one place (say, a nice cafe or a pub) and shouted, "We are a Collective!" it might be a start.

    I read an article about Collectives once. They interviewed loads of people who had decided to get together and do stuff rather than working for big faceless companies. One bunch of people went round the country organising skateboarding events, another bunch specialised in filming protest marches and things, which they then sold on or loaned out to TV companies for news broadcasts ... it was quite inspiring.
  2. Blogger Crucifer says @ 5:34 pm
    I think I have the same problem. I have a direction, but no goal - I know I want to get there but I have no idea what the place is called.

    On the other hand, you should be grateful for what you have, not for what you want, I suppose.

    By this I mean, are you happy - with life, with yourself?

    I know people who've finally made it to their summit only to realise they're not happy with it at all and that somewhere along the journey, they lost track of why they wanted to get there.

    Preaching aside, as bee says, might not we form a collective organisation?

    I'm in...

    p.s. Although if we do go to a pub, the first decision would of course be "who gets the first round?" - if we survive that, I'm sure we're destined for greater things :)
  3. Blogger Aravis says @ 8:45 pm
    The moon must be in the right house or whatever, because I noticed the career fixation too. *G*

    All I can do right now is sympathise. The question of career paths leaves me lost. I'm interested in too many things to settle. So I have no answers or suggestions, only my sincere best wishes for you on whatever path you walk.

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