I have been going through 4 weeks of the most emotionally weird period of my life so far. So much grief being layed upon so many people close and dear to my heart, in a short period of time. I wish I was stronger, a better person to be able to help everyone who needs my help. Instead I sit there and try to figure out where to put my head, as I have no idea what to say or do anymore.

What does one say to a person who has been told they are finally pregnant after years of trying, only for it to be miscarried a very short while afterwards? What does one do when a parent is rushed to hospital with heart pains, only to be told a triple-by-pass is required? What do you do with the other parent who has already suffered a heart attack is is now a bundle of nerves? What do you say to a person who's daughter has a hole-in-the-heart and requires surgery to fix it, and yet she is hardly past 1 years old? What can you do to help the child through the inevitable pain? What can you say to a person close to your thoughts who has just had a stillborn? And what can you do when through this all, your plans to get married go through upheavals of double-booking of the hall? And oh, you're desparately trying to close on a house through this, whilst people at work continue to try their politics around you? And to top it off, you don't have time to call your Mother-in-Law to wish her Happy Birthday, or your Brother-in-law, or your Sister-in-law either. Three birthdays in a space of 5 days whizz by. :(

A stronger man can help everyone who needs it. A wiser man can say the right thing to everyone who requires it. A helpful man can offer hands on assitance to eveyrone who needs it. I unfortunately am none of these, I can only wish the world around us and the great elements that make us whole will work together to ease the pain of those around me whom I love dearly. I can only wish, and do what little I can to make a difference.

I wish I was stronger, wiser and more helpful. I really do.
--
dp

Posted 3/23/2005.

Comments:

1.  changeofhart says @ 9:42 am
   I dont agree. You are all of these things numnum and more. You have the strength of character to identify when you have reached emotional saturation point. You are wise enough to know that deep down, there is only so much giving you can do without getting 'empty' when life conspires to show you all that can go wrong, all at once. You are helpful enough to know that being there to support your friends and family through pain, suffering and loss. And you are definitely wise enough to know that doing that is far more important than brithdays being missed.
   
   mait, this is where catholic guilt is a wonderful crutch... no matter how crap life is, someone else is worse off than you. Various nuns, priests and scary old women have told me that over the years. I think that translated to me at the time as 'Stop whining'. It was around that time I lost faith in what they were saying, because personal suffering hurts, and the suffering of others close to you seems to hurt just as much if not more. What do old wrinkly nuns know about the real world anyway...? ;-)
   
   2004 was a bad year for a lot of people. I had high hopes for 2005. So far, this year has been worse than the last for lots of people I know. Failed pregnancies, divorce, emotional anguish etc... it sucks.
   
   "It's not the despair, Laura. I can take the despair. It's the hope..."
2.  Teresa Bowman says @ 11:04 am
   Wow. Difficult times.
   
   I don't really know what to say, although I feel I ought to say something. Maybe all I can say is, hang in there, things will sort themselves out eventually. And as far as being stronger, wiser, more helpful etc ... I think just as long as people know you're there for them if they need you, you're doing OK and there's no need to beat yourself up about it.
   
   (It occurs to me that this comes from the undefeated West of England Beating Self Up About Things Champion, but I hope my encouraging words don't hold any less weight because of it.)
3.  LB says @ 1:31 pm
   I think you're probably more support, more help and more sympathetic than you really think you are.
   
   You clearly appreciate people's pain, and sometimes you dont have to say anything, people who know you will know that you care about them and that you are hurting for them too.
   
   chin up, guru.
4.  Aravis says @ 7:42 pm
   I survived one thing after another over the past two years, and I know what it is to be overwhelmed and to just wish it would all stop. To feel helpless in the face of it. You're scattered and spread thin. You need to take some time just to be with yourself. Do something you find relaxing, whatever that is, and put everything out of your mind as much as possible. You can't help anybody if you can barely take a breath yourself. Nothing to feel guilty about in that.
   
   For those you know who have just suffered a loss, you don't need to say anything to them other than "I'm hear to listen if you need to talk." Those who are grieving don't need platitudes, just a friend to hold them and listen. I think you might be good at that.
   
   People have triple bypasses all the time. It's scary, yes. They are not a death sentence, though, but rather another chance at life. You can help your mom by talking with the doctor to find out what lifestyle changes need to be made for your father. This will give her something positive to focus on. Get her to start planning for it. This may help her feel like there is something she can do, as opposed to feeling helpless and scared. BTW, these changes will lead to a grumpy father down the line no doubt, but cross that bridge when you come to it.
   
   My nephew was born with something called Vader's (sp?) Syndrome which can manifest in several different ways. In his case he has one kidney the size of two, and he needed surgery on his heart and ureter, as well as having a thumb crafted out of the first finger of his hand because he was born without that particular digit. All this while he was an infant. Terrifying? Absolutely. Painful? Temporarily. But it passes and will give the child a better life. So again just letting it be known that you're there, willing to listen or help out if needed, means a lot.
   
   The office politics are petty and ultimately don't mean anything. They do not define you. You define you. Don't let them own anymore space in your head. Evict them. :0P
   
   The wedding plans and the house will sort themselves out. Take one thing at a time. Don't get overwhelmed by the big picture. Take life in smaller bites.
   
   Missed those birthdays? Easy. Apologize, and make plans to get everyone together for a small family party to celebrate them together. Or make plans individually with them if that works better, to let them know that you do love and care for them. They'll forgive you.
   
   You are a strong man with a lot going on. You're doing a wonderful job. You just need to realize that you are not responsible for making everything right on your own. There are others around to help carry the load and who would be happy to do so, I'm sure. And there are some things in life that we have to work through on our own. Some of these people may be experiencing this. As long as you let them know you're there if they need you, nothing more may be required of you. You'll be fine, and everything will work out eventually. Hang in there until it does. And try to get a nap. *G*
5.  Teresa Bowman says @ 12:08 pm
   Now there's a wise woman! :)

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